What I had been looking for was a clear Presence in all the events of my life. What I have found, however, is quixotic - a hedge maze that is laid out so beautifully, but which requires trust that, however many bends there are, there is a way out. That's an insight that didn't seem to be of much use to anybody, hence the silence. It is, however, one that is familiar to most and so, tonight, I write.
The big question for Paul and me right now is retirement and what to do with the rest of our lives. There are many closed doors here in Virginia Beach - so clear a pattern that it has the marks of God's hand and not just the dive in the economy. Paul is 65 and the work and network that have sustained him through ten years of consulting have dried up right on time. Except that this is not the time that he had in mind and all is happening earlier than planned. What next? We do not so much want to retire, but redirect our energies.
The trouble with a hazy goal, however, is that when everything is a possibility, nothing much happens. Narrowing the focus is what brings about real change. This involves choice and exclusion and much hesitation about doing either. It is when most of the extraneous noise has been silenced, however, that one can hear the whisper. It is only in loss that what should remain can be revealed.
There have been days when I sit down to write some thoughts to share here and the posts almost write themselves; there are other days when each paragraph is pulled from inside me. I think I have been looking for our future to present itself like one of those inspired moments - it's happened before - but what we've been experiencing is not a Cesarean section, but the inexorable bearing down of a birth that is taking its own not-so-sweet time.
I take comfort, though, in a song we sing at church:You Are Mine, by David Haas
I will come to you in the silence,
I will lift you from all your fear
You will hear my voice
I claim you as my choice,
Be still and know I am here.
Do not be afraid, I am with you.
I have called you each by name.
Come and follow me
I will bring you home;
I love you and you are mine.
Our mazes are all different. They may be serene or fanciful, convoluted or frustrating, but with this kind of God as our companion, we don't have to worry about getting lost. What makes a maze the most fun to navigate, however, is the guidance and direction that we get from those along the path. So, I discuss and I listen...and I write.
Maureen, I believe you have touched a lot of lives with this blog. I know you did mine as I am at a real turning point in my life. I THINK I know what I'm to do like go back into teaching. But, then I think, maybe that's not REALLY what I want to do. But, then, what?
ReplyDeleteI appreciated your last thought that our mazes are fun to navigate by those we meet along the way. YOU, my dear friend, have been there at times to help me navigate with some insightful tips or ideas you've passed on to me. It's the bouncing off of those we love who might tell us a thing or two we had not thought of. How good you've been at doing just that over the years we have known each other.
You and Paul are in my book of prayer for wisdom and guidance as to your next step and possible destination. May God's will become manifest as the time draws closer to your desire to KNOW, to really know what you are to do, where you are to go. Think of that Lamaze technique of breathing -- sometimes fast, sometimes slow.
The best part, like birth, is knowing that GOD WILL PROVIDE just as He has all these years.