Card Philosophy

Mother's Day is almost here and the card stores are in overdrive making sure that we have just the right sentiments to share with the woman who gave us life. For a number of years, however, I've had trouble finding something that expresses what I want to say. I've noticed that the messages in most cards have switched focus from the receiver to the giver. The happy event is seen in the context of how it affects the sender, not the one being honored.

The most blatant example came in the mail the other day. It's a catalog of Mother's Day gifts and the headline epitomizes the perspective of the 21st century Me Generation. It says:

Mothers Day is not for celebrating moms. Mothers Day is for celebrating all they've given us. For all the moments they've offered up a sweet hug or some tough love. For the days when they had just the right thing to say-even if it meant saying nothing at all.

It goes on, but this is enough to illustrate the point: In Hallmark land, Mother's Day isn't about your mother - it's about the effect she had on you.

The birthday cards on display are much the same. We send good wishes to a friend or family member not because this person is witty or wise or kind or talented. Rather, the messages tell them they make us feel good in their presence; that we smile when we recall the times they went out of their way for us or recount what sweet memories we have of their love for us. The bottom line is that we congratulate them in the context of how wonderful we feel when we are around them. In other words, it's all about us.

This is dangerous territory.

When people think they exist just for the benefit of others, they lose the sense that they matter in and of themselves. It's an approach to life that ultimately leads to questions about the utility of caring for those who can't make a productive contribution anymore or the cost to society of those who are disabled. If people matter only because of what they can do for us, then it's only logical to doubt their worth when they can't continue to meet our needs.

Indeed, this is dangerous territory.

People matter because we are "fearfully and wonderfully made" and because God drew satisfaction from creating us and God takes delight in us. He created each of us uniquely and we are an astonishment of characteristics that take a lifetime to unearth. That I laugh at something and you don't is really an amazing occurrence: what goes on in each of our brains that a story amuses me, but not you? What incredible specimens we are in our individuality! Ultimately, we matter because each of us is a glimpse of the Divine that can never be completely parsed.

We have the opportunity each day to honor the strengths of others and to make them aware of the skill, talent and good we see operating in them. So many people are tongue tied when asked to talk about what they do well; all they can think of is their weaknesses and where they failed to meet the mark. It is up to us to keep the focus on the positive and give people the chance to revel in the feedback we give. We see what we are primed to see.

Others do not exist for our benefit. They exist to fulfill the potential within them and if, in the process of doing that, they make our lives richer, we can only be grateful for the overflow. Meanwhile, we can give thanks for them just as they are and take joy in what they become before our eyes.

The ad that advises, Make Mother's Day all about you ( at least they're honest) is offering one path for our culture to take. Perhaps there's another message that leads to a better place: love is not self centered. Robert Frost's poem, The Road Not Taken, reminds us that:

Two roads diverged in a wood.
And I, I took the one less traveled by
And that has made all the difference.