There was none to be had. The physician was distracted, rushed and unprepared. In the week since the trip, the promised referrals and paperwork have not appeared, even after several follow-up inquiries on several fronts. There has been no forward progress. I seem to have meandered down some side road, instead.
I've been asking myself how this could have happened because the entire visit had been lifted to God since the start. I, and so many others, have prayed for this doctor since April and asked for wisdom for him and blessing for me. Yet, the outcome, from my perspective at least, is a disappointment.
Even as I write this, however, I know that my questions replicate those asked by pray-ers throughout the millenia. When people have their expectations dashed, we all ask: "Where is God in this?" The hiccup that got in the way of my positive outcome was inefficiency and ineptitude; for others, it may be a far more serious appearance of evil or tragedy. In the end, though, the question is the same: "What happened to the prayers that went up to God about this?"
The underlying question is actually a more basic one: "Why bother praying?"
The answer that strikes me this morning sounds rather prosaic: "Does anyone have a better idea?"
Prayer is a positive, life-giving force that we send forth into the void. It unites those who pray and this changes the world. While I was praying for the Duke physician, love was directed into his life. I don't know how this has affected the man he's been and the decisions he's made since April, but I do know that there is enough stress and negativity in anyone's life that something positive can't hurt.
As for me, the experience of praying for a particular answer might have narrowed my insight into how I might be healed through other means. In expecting the Duke doc to be source, I was making my own diagnosis, when, in fact, the problem may not be in his area of expertise at all. Being disappointed at the outcome is like being annoyed that the lamp doesn't come on when I've actually flipped the switch for the overhead fan. A more fruitful prayer might have been for generalized healing, not a good experience at Duke.
Which brings me to the question that is really the most basic of them all: "What do I really want to be the outcome of my prayer?"
Ultimately, I believe, all of us want to be happy and at peace within ourselves. By praying for specific answers that we think will lead to that, we set ourselves up for failure. God respects free will and a prayer that involves someone else's responses to God's leading is problematic.
Inner peace in the midst of the difficulties we face would seem to be a more effective prayer. God can work with us directly and there are no intermediaries to foul up God's design. So, the better prayer for me is to be at peace with whatever state of health my body is in today while, at the same time, relying on the evidence that Jesus went about healing, not refusing to heal.
As God said to Jeremiah:
For I am mindful of the plans I have for you...plans for your good and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.
Disappointment, then, becomes my choice, not God's.
I like His vision better.
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